Did you know that when it comes to online dating, it’s a chick’s market? Evidently, dudes get shut down left and right, and women get winked and emailed to death. If you check out OnlineDatingMatchMaker.com, you’ll see that it’s fellows who are sending out slew of emails, but infrequently do they get a come back email. Deep throats for you, fellas! Regardless, we here at The Jiggish are big fans of the masculines, and we thought we would explain why you never heard back from us. Your Photos Are Weird. In an effort to demonstrate how hard you can party, you posted pictures of yourself passed out on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, getting tased while pursuing after the mascot of your dearest team, and wearing a lot of wacky hats. DATING FAIL. Other crimes against profile pics include you making weird faces, you making the same face in every shot, and you with your ex but with her face crossed out thanks to some spastic Photoshop scrubbing. Also: eliminate photos that don’t include you.
Your Game Is, Shall We Say, Lacking. Your idea of a very first email opening line: “Hello, thank you for checking out my profile,” “Might I say, you are an exceedingly beautiful youthful lady,” “What u doin rieght now wanna talk im sloppysoupsales on AOL.” Russ Ruggles, who runs OnlineDatingMatchmaker.com, recommends the “one-line hook.” Pick something specific in our profile and react to it in an interesting, engaged way. Dating magic!
You Supplicate Yourself. People say women care about how much a man makes, how tall he is, and how hot he is. Lies, we say, all lies. We get major mental boners for confidence. Especially here at The Frolic, where we’re all, like, empowered, you know, we need a man with a pair. Not boots. Cojones. There is nothing, nothing more attractive than a man who is certain, and confidence is, frankly, lighter to telegraph via email than in person, where all kinds of physical tells can give you and your insecurities away. Come correct, son!
No Negging Permitted. What’s “negging,” you say? Basically, it’s one of those pick-up artist technics that supposedly gives random dudes mystical powers over the ladies. If a man walks up to a woman and promptly insults her, the theory goes, she will be putty in his palms. In addition to this being inherently stupid, it doesn’t work, particularly not these days, because now we all know what negging is, and, yo, we ain’t haven’ it.
We Fell Asleep Halfway Through Paragraph Four of Your 5-Paragraph Email Essay. It’s hard to know what the greatest emailing-on-a-dating-site crime is, but we have to believe that being totally boring is fairly possibly the worst. Researching how to get a date online, thinking through your email, and, for the love of God, proofreading it are all well and good, but we are romantics at heart, and we’re looking for a spark. If the tone of your email reminds us of a conversation we had the other day with the mechanic, we likely will not be responding.
Slow Down, Acquaintance! In a very first email we don’t want your phone number, individual email address, or talk ID anymore that we want your shoe size, your social security number, or number of cavities. This will result in prompt deletion. Because we get more winks, emails, and what-have-you than fellows, the fact of the matter is that we’re looking for a reason to say no. We gotta filter out the chum somehow, homes. Don’t give us fodder.